A wobble? Or a fall?

Ive been getting steadily worse this week and I dont know why, I know I should get down to the drs but I cant face making the phone call, jesus am I that bad again?????

My chest has been so heavy all day and breathings gettting harder and harder, ive gone on a choccy binge and really scared the kids with my temper (even though they deserved it-ketchup all across the living room floor!)..I know that theres help out there but we all know my honesty with people I dont know issues...FFS

I should just let the the bg go, let him move on to someone better and more normal,but I love him far too much to let go again, yet by keeping im being selfish, arghhhhhhhh. The summer holds are gonna be a nightmare, no childminder for 2 weeks, Js birthday and then were away for a week, im gonna be skint as usaul...im tired of having no money really really tired of it, I think
ive got 10p in my purse...

Help me?

xx

A new start

Sorry its been a while, thats the damm thing with blogs when lifes going ok you dont need them, and life is kinda going ok, ok im sitting on a timebomb with this housing benefit thing as well as the timebomb that is me in general and C's dad but for the minute lifes ok....

Well at least it should be, but its not, I feel like crap and I should be over the moon estactically happy the man I love, the one who left me alone 4 months ago has returned in theory I should be on the road to recovery with just that alone knowing he loves me, reality is created a whole new set of problems, the insevurities and taking things personal and being over sensitive are back...We cant get the kids involved obv reasons again so I cant even go up there weekends, just snatching moments here and there, im not sure I want that...yet anything else is impossible or should that be inpracticle. The question is can I give myself fully over to someone else, knowing that someone walked away from me before without even a goodbye thinking they were helping me? I dont know if I can, but I know that if I didnt try and make this work id be forver wondering what if???

Im scared of emotioms,scared of being hurt which is in fact riducolus because noone could hurt me more than what he and many other people before have and ive survived it before not nice not pleasant but I got thru....So why cant my stupid stupid emotions realise that, why cant my stupid emotions realise that not the whole world revolves around me????

Why is everything in life so hard, why cant anything be simple atm for me even breathings an effort, a basic simple thing like breathing yet because of my anxiety and mental state its now an effort and painful sometimes....All I want is a simple life where I can enjoy my kids without being knocked back every 10 secs....

Its hard so bllody hard

xxx

Awful, ive just realised I really dont have anything to live for anymore...I didnt wake up until half past two this afternoon, Lou was all alone in the flat...anything could have happened and this isnt the 1st time either..SO I cant take my meds tonight because of that happeneing, yet if I dont take them im never going to feel better....Even when I did get up all I could manage was a trip in the car to the shop to get some petrol and some junk food for tonight....So what kind of a day has she has watching a dvd all morning and afternoon mcds for dinner and then bed..I couldnt even get the energy to play with her....so on top of everything else the probable up and coming court case for contact with Lous dad, the whole benefit fraud (ok it wasnt intentional, but it still boils down to the same thing im gonna be in a heck of a lot of trouble), the fact my son doesnt want to come home and now im a failure as a mother to my daughter...oh and the flashbacks have come back twice as bad as have the nightmares

Theres no hope for the future, despite the fact I know I can get better and beat this....the plain simple fact is I dont think I want to anymore..Lou would blatently be better off with someone who can actually wake up in the mornings and not leave her alone (ANYTHING could have happened!) and Josh is so much better at mums everyone (school teachers, neighbours and my family) have been saying how well hes looking...

No matter what I do it never gets better in fact worse....So im wondering what is the point???? And before anyone says the kids...maybe so but the fact is they would be better off with others, and their physical and emotional needs come before all other stuff and I just cant manage either of those at the moment and if im honest probably never have done....So now its just a question of waiting, I cant do anything all the while Lous in the flat which then just makes me feel trapped no matter which way I turn I hit a brick wall...i was hoping for a lifeline from the CMHT to stop this drowning..but it didnt happen, they just perscribed me drugs which made me even worse because now ive failed Lou...which then made me feel worse...

All I want is for all this pressure to ease off so I can focus on getting better, why wont the world let me do that just get better so I can cope with all the crap it throws at me?

Friday 13th

you know what its never going to change things are just getting worse and worse.....Its been like this since J was born 5 years of things never being smooth, never going right, I get back on my feet something else comes along....Even the surestart worker says she would have given up by now...and now this whole benefit fraud thing because I was so so low and rundown and just plain damm forgot about the two accounts I no longer used and then plain forgot to tell them about my compensation and child maintence because of all the court case going on at the time...but they arent going to see it like that even though I damm well said id pay any overpayment back, well CMHT and surestart and HV say they will deal with it anyway or at lest help me...but I cant I just cant I just wanna run and run and never stop, give the kids to dad where theyd be better off and just run away. change my name start again...But I cant in my heart of hearts I know that..Im trapped in this horrible horrible life of mine and theres no way out....I cant even just go and jump of a cliff because the kids need me...so this is it, this horrible low exsistance listening to two types of my own thoughts (ie one positive and then the negative one shouting arguing with the positive whisper then the negative shouting back and the positive whipsering something back ? me too! and its my head!) is IT for the rest of my life...finding even a smile hard laugh impossible, to never see the hope and fun in stuff And you know what that sucks big time really really sucks, and theres sweet F.A I can do to make it better...

9th June

Ive got some major appointments this week...and the first went awful..Solicters, basically got told that despite all the idiotic things that her "father" has done despite the fact that hes been inside for breaking my arm in front of my ds, despite the fact he cant maintain regular letterbox contact and despite the fact that in suffering from sever depression because of HIM and his actions....and the fact he hasnt seen her since 9months oldDespite ALL this, chances are hes going to get supervised contact and IM going to have to take her, all I can do right now is refuse mediation and hold the whole court process (for which ill have to pay the £175 odd contrubution a month again!) up just a while longer...NOW CAN I GIVE UP!

The start of a long week...

Its 00:27 on the 9th June, I should be asleep in bed...yet im not....Im up worrying about the forthcoming week (Ive got solicters, tuesday group, CMHT, M Cubs, Doctor, HV, Outreach worker, young mums some appointment or task every day!) esp the solicters appointment and CMHT even though they are the two biggies...

I cant do this anymore, im tired of fighting battles within myself and losing everytime never winning just a little bit of feeling ok. Im tired of not being able to help myself. Im tired of failing 90% of the time. Im tired of telling the same story over and over.

my two friends are struggling, ones been in a car accident and thats sent her dropping back down, the others gone back in the unit...this is a one way friendship, im not getting sweet fa back..i could have used an offload tonight..someone telling me that yes im doing fine and yes im good (FFS ive done it to them often enough)..ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHh

J's come home tonight..thats a good thing, I even mamaged to play connect 4 with him and I actually laughed...man that felt good actually proplely laughing!!!! I managed dinner up mums, ok i was a miserable cow but I managed it...I wish I could stop thinking about her snipy comments (oh hes only loud when your around!) GRRRRRR I swear shes supportive to get me back on my feet deoendant on her so she canjust take the suport away and then shed get the kids...

Dad never rung either..so my texts go unanswered and then he doesnt ring..I know im not that important compared to the Foster kid but jesus a phone call or a text...maybe its just me..maybe im pushing everybody away again or just dont deserve friends and family that actually care about me and dont just want what ive got and can give....

Ive so had enough of this world, Ive had enough of fighting this depression and never ever getting anywhere, im tired of having this contstant never ending goddam pressure..one thing after another after another..Im tired of not being in control...and im just tired full stop

I feel like ive got no future, no hope, no point in living...Im obv a crap mum because well Josh is only loud when im around...Chelseas had mcds fri night and sat night (but I suppose at least she was fed!) i shouted at her so much when I was trying to put that unit up...

None of this is their fault yet they are the ones getting the fallout, its not fair its not right and more importantly its going to put them on the same road as im on...I cant let that happen, yet I cant seem to stop this control it or even lessen it no matter how hard I try...

I cant give up because of them, but I cant carry on this way...so what can I do..hope the CMHT have a miracle up their sleve???

Pray??

Im running out of options here people

xxx

A meeting with lucy 2nd June...

I need to write this all out now, Had a one on one with lucy.S my young parent worker and told her all about light Kimmie, ie the one that sees all the positive stuff and thinks well of it and then dark Kimmie the one that says just walk aw ay leave it, just leave this world. I told her all about how I cant cope with the fact that nothing I try is helping any, the excercise, the tablets, the psitive stuff, like sorting my room and the living room up and the CBT...it doesnt FEEL any better....Light Kimmie wants to carry on give it more time dark Kimme says nothings working give it up..like two people talking in my head.

According to Lucy..Ive always looked after people as a child, which is kind of true Matthew when he was a baby and helping mum with the housework so I had to learn to self-comfort...which is who light Kimmie is. I guess that makes sense...
I also need to grieve all thats happened..John and the baby being one of those.I cant do that even thinking about that hurts. Shes going to ring Stephen Rimmer and also get the outreach team back on my side again...I need to let myself sink for a while, let others help me get better...

God doing that whole one on one thing damm near killed me, ive got a headache and just want to sleep i think the sleep things avoiding dealing with stuff....Dark Kimmie again wanting to run and hide...maybe I should let her take over a while just for a few hrs let the oblivioun of sleep take ove??? I feel like im cracked up into two these two voices in my head...dark and light...I also hear that white noise in my head at night before I sleep but when I turn my fan off it goes, Lucys given me the idea of putting my fingers in my ears to see if it stops...

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh this is a bloody nightmare, Do I really want to get better, or just carry on till I self destruct???