Ive been getting steadily worse this week and I dont know why, I know I should get down to the drs but I cant face making the phone call, jesus am I that bad again?????
My chest has been so heavy all day and breathings gettting harder and harder, ive gone on a choccy binge and really scared the kids with my temper (even though they deserved it-ketchup all across the living room floor!)..I know that theres help out there but we all know my honesty with people I dont know issues...FFS
I should just let the the bg go, let him move on to someone better and more normal,but I love him far too much to let go again, yet by keeping im being selfish, arghhhhhhhh. The summer holds are gonna be a nightmare, no childminder for 2 weeks, Js birthday and then were away for a week, im gonna be skint as usaul...im tired of having no money really really tired of it, I think
ive got 10p in my purse...
Help me?
xx
Tuesday 15 July 2008
Monday 14 July 2008
A new start
Sorry its been a while, thats the damm thing with blogs when lifes going ok you dont need them, and life is kinda going ok, ok im sitting on a timebomb with this housing benefit thing as well as the timebomb that is me in general and C's dad but for the minute lifes ok....
Well at least it should be, but its not, I feel like crap and I should be over the moon estactically happy the man I love, the one who left me alone 4 months ago has returned in theory I should be on the road to recovery with just that alone knowing he loves me, reality is created a whole new set of problems, the insevurities and taking things personal and being over sensitive are back...We cant get the kids involved obv reasons again so I cant even go up there weekends, just snatching moments here and there, im not sure I want that...yet anything else is impossible or should that be inpracticle. The question is can I give myself fully over to someone else, knowing that someone walked away from me before without even a goodbye thinking they were helping me? I dont know if I can, but I know that if I didnt try and make this work id be forver wondering what if???
Im scared of emotioms,scared of being hurt which is in fact riducolus because noone could hurt me more than what he and many other people before have and ive survived it before not nice not pleasant but I got thru....So why cant my stupid stupid emotions realise that, why cant my stupid emotions realise that not the whole world revolves around me????
Why is everything in life so hard, why cant anything be simple atm for me even breathings an effort, a basic simple thing like breathing yet because of my anxiety and mental state its now an effort and painful sometimes....All I want is a simple life where I can enjoy my kids without being knocked back every 10 secs....
Its hard so bllody hard
xxx
Well at least it should be, but its not, I feel like crap and I should be over the moon estactically happy the man I love, the one who left me alone 4 months ago has returned in theory I should be on the road to recovery with just that alone knowing he loves me, reality is created a whole new set of problems, the insevurities and taking things personal and being over sensitive are back...We cant get the kids involved obv reasons again so I cant even go up there weekends, just snatching moments here and there, im not sure I want that...yet anything else is impossible or should that be inpracticle. The question is can I give myself fully over to someone else, knowing that someone walked away from me before without even a goodbye thinking they were helping me? I dont know if I can, but I know that if I didnt try and make this work id be forver wondering what if???
Im scared of emotioms,scared of being hurt which is in fact riducolus because noone could hurt me more than what he and many other people before have and ive survived it before not nice not pleasant but I got thru....So why cant my stupid stupid emotions realise that, why cant my stupid emotions realise that not the whole world revolves around me????
Why is everything in life so hard, why cant anything be simple atm for me even breathings an effort, a basic simple thing like breathing yet because of my anxiety and mental state its now an effort and painful sometimes....All I want is a simple life where I can enjoy my kids without being knocked back every 10 secs....
Its hard so bllody hard
xxx
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