Took J to school...All good ironed uniform polished shoes.
Sorted out C...took car to get fixed -£132 but thats cheap...Busted my knee on mums path thats bummed swimming up but as I have Tuesday group and this well women thingy ma bob at Summer hayes dont think ill be doing that soon anyway
I dont know what ive done today thats worth blogging actually. Ok I slept this afternoon with Lou and felt bad for doing it and ive been a moody Bitch to the kids all afternoon (Josh would be better off at mums!) but thats hardly worth talking about is it???
I feel nothing, I dont feel that overwhelming desire to run away and kill myself..nor do I feel happy as larry..In fact I feel nothing. I bought a new blade today, Ive got a really bad feeling im gonna do something REALLY stoopid tonight! Just for the sake of feeling something....I hate feeling nothing...I crave normality, yet if feeling nothing is normal then I dont want it.
Im so not looking forward to tommorrow, If I have to tell Tuesday group all thats been going on ill scream..because I cant I just cant...How can you tell someone youve been to hell and back and know youll be going there again soon...
ARGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh
x
Monday 19 May 2008
Sunday 18 May 2008
Sunday 18th May
Today started off crap, I had nothing planned and for some reason that always makes me bad, I got a ticking off apparantly im helping too many poeple on a website I go on and not taking care of myself and ended up pouring my heart out to somebody who really has got far more important people to help....
But I managed to go shopping and had a nice breaky with C, spent the afternoon moping in my room with C watching A dvd, brillant mum i am! and then a break thru J wanted to come home! once I got to mums decided he didnt want to after all but she said no so hes home.
Childminder texted tonight that she cant have kids as her sons in hospital, great I need to get my exhaust sorted and now I have to take C and do it, chances r I wont be able to afford it anyway...This life business its enought to drive you up the sodding wall.
So for once I took advice, i stayed off netmums and did some of my coulour therapy as I call it, Doing bubble letters and decorating them..its gone in my "art folder". I had a sleep and then did some of this online CBT, I now know warpy thoughts and have identified my main weaknesses. I rewarded myself with a fewposts on netmums...
Im actually feeling life is worth living again, considering its 11:45 at night usaully when im at my worst thats AN ACHIEVMENT!
Not a very intresting one today but shows im still here, still fighting
x
But I managed to go shopping and had a nice breaky with C, spent the afternoon moping in my room with C watching A dvd, brillant mum i am! and then a break thru J wanted to come home! once I got to mums decided he didnt want to after all but she said no so hes home.
Childminder texted tonight that she cant have kids as her sons in hospital, great I need to get my exhaust sorted and now I have to take C and do it, chances r I wont be able to afford it anyway...This life business its enought to drive you up the sodding wall.
So for once I took advice, i stayed off netmums and did some of my coulour therapy as I call it, Doing bubble letters and decorating them..its gone in my "art folder". I had a sleep and then did some of this online CBT, I now know warpy thoughts and have identified my main weaknesses. I rewarded myself with a fewposts on netmums...
Im actually feeling life is worth living again, considering its 11:45 at night usaully when im at my worst thats AN ACHIEVMENT!
Not a very intresting one today but shows im still here, still fighting
x
Saturday 17 May 2008
Saturday 18th May
I know an amazing women called Lucy whose going to help me again...she texted me today as one of the young mums I still talk to told her they were worried, ive been offered Tuesday group again and friday young mums. Tuesday group yes as its 6 and closed, Friday no way, tried this week and had a panic attack!
My dad and the fostering, John and the baby..I dont want to dwell on my failures yet I know ive got to. Maybe im just destined to be alone when it comes to relationships, maybe its my subcincous ruining them?
Or maybe just maybe its my complete lack of self-esteem, hopefully the CMHT can deal with that. I want so much to be normal,is that so much to ask?
Im tired again, I cant face the world. Im sitting in an indoor play area listening to the other mums chatter and I swear im the only single parent among them...that im the only one who hasnt got someone to go home to. All Ive got is a huge amount of cyber friends on netmums.com
Oh ffs why am I feeling like this AGAIN-too much junk food I guess yet I crave it, what a nasty cycle when what you crave makes you worse!
Think I mighth try somemore of that online CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) tonight, Josh came home and slept last night so im feeling slightly better. Guess its a plus he came home and stayed even if I did feed him Mcdonlads....
At night when im trying to sleep (well not so much trying as these new tabs zonk me out in hlaf hr flat!) I keep hearing voices and faint music, I can never catch what they are saying as it sounds like a faint radio not tuned in properly. I feel its important yet if I tell someone theyll think im mad!
3:15pm just had another anxiety attack, couldnt breathe no matter how deep I inhaled.
Christ im tired, managed to cook dinner tonight, J's gone round mums probably for the best as im tetchy and shouting at the kids...
No plans for tommorow either....
My dad and the fostering, John and the baby..I dont want to dwell on my failures yet I know ive got to. Maybe im just destined to be alone when it comes to relationships, maybe its my subcincous ruining them?
Or maybe just maybe its my complete lack of self-esteem, hopefully the CMHT can deal with that. I want so much to be normal,is that so much to ask?
Im tired again, I cant face the world. Im sitting in an indoor play area listening to the other mums chatter and I swear im the only single parent among them...that im the only one who hasnt got someone to go home to. All Ive got is a huge amount of cyber friends on netmums.com
Oh ffs why am I feeling like this AGAIN-too much junk food I guess yet I crave it, what a nasty cycle when what you crave makes you worse!
Think I mighth try somemore of that online CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) tonight, Josh came home and slept last night so im feeling slightly better. Guess its a plus he came home and stayed even if I did feed him Mcdonlads....
At night when im trying to sleep (well not so much trying as these new tabs zonk me out in hlaf hr flat!) I keep hearing voices and faint music, I can never catch what they are saying as it sounds like a faint radio not tuned in properly. I feel its important yet if I tell someone theyll think im mad!
3:15pm just had another anxiety attack, couldnt breathe no matter how deep I inhaled.
Christ im tired, managed to cook dinner tonight, J's gone round mums probably for the best as im tetchy and shouting at the kids...
No plans for tommorow either....
Friday 17th May
Early hours admittedly...
Overslept this morning J was late for school (mothership not impressed!) came home after dropping C off at childminders (I still have to pay her whilst signed off so they r damm well going!) had a bath and slept again till 3pm. What the hells going on I dont know, my co-ordination is shot to pot as well. Might ask Dr about that later.
On the plus side the CSA finally came through (after 6 months of paying J's sperm doner decided to give up his job and change..when he restarted employment decided to disupute parentage even though I didnt ask for maintence till J was 4 and a half and only then to pay legal aid to protect my daughter) well I worked out he owes me £1056 in arrears and its £32 a week anyway..saying that doubt ill see it his parents are moving out the county and his jobs just been advertised!
God im in a world of my own atm, I feel like im walking around in a bubble oblivious or uncaring about others.
C's dad is out of prison as well (nice of someone to tell me whose arm he broke!) hes got himself on facebook..oh joy!
Ive decided im going back to work if this maintence works out..only 3 days a week though full time is what killed me last time.
Overslept this morning J was late for school (mothership not impressed!) came home after dropping C off at childminders (I still have to pay her whilst signed off so they r damm well going!) had a bath and slept again till 3pm. What the hells going on I dont know, my co-ordination is shot to pot as well. Might ask Dr about that later.
On the plus side the CSA finally came through (after 6 months of paying J's sperm doner decided to give up his job and change..when he restarted employment decided to disupute parentage even though I didnt ask for maintence till J was 4 and a half and only then to pay legal aid to protect my daughter) well I worked out he owes me £1056 in arrears and its £32 a week anyway..saying that doubt ill see it his parents are moving out the county and his jobs just been advertised!
God im in a world of my own atm, I feel like im walking around in a bubble oblivious or uncaring about others.
C's dad is out of prison as well (nice of someone to tell me whose arm he broke!) hes got himself on facebook..oh joy!
Ive decided im going back to work if this maintence works out..only 3 days a week though full time is what killed me last time.
Wednesday 14th May
O.K so I self harmed(s/h) monday night, and again last night Tuesday.
I came so close to ending it all last night. Dad really made me feel bad, I was very quiet round there all day and tbh I hardly saw him much preferble to talk to foster kid in the garden whilst hes on trampoline or help him in the kitchen with his reading. I think I got about 5 mins, guess ill stay away for a while theve got enough on their plate without me adding to it. I guess dad just doesnt know what to say or do when im s/h..how can you help someone when she doesnt know whats wrong with herself?
Of course this is all easy to deal with in the light of day, but last night I just felt ignored, rejected and in many ways hurt. Problem is im too much like my dad, he doesnt "do" sick I dont "do" asking for help it has to be forced upon me.
Im scared of tonight what if the only way I can cope again is to s/h? What does that make me as a person weak because hurting myself is the only way to stop me wanting to end it all? or Strong because im taking steps not to take that final permant step.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I dont want to go to work yet I know ill fall further down if I dont. I guess the ideal soluntion would be to get a new job away from Mcdonalds ive got the G.C.S.E's and A levels to do better i know. I might have a look at college courses at some point, see what I can do???
I came so close to ending it all last night. Dad really made me feel bad, I was very quiet round there all day and tbh I hardly saw him much preferble to talk to foster kid in the garden whilst hes on trampoline or help him in the kitchen with his reading. I think I got about 5 mins, guess ill stay away for a while theve got enough on their plate without me adding to it. I guess dad just doesnt know what to say or do when im s/h..how can you help someone when she doesnt know whats wrong with herself?
Of course this is all easy to deal with in the light of day, but last night I just felt ignored, rejected and in many ways hurt. Problem is im too much like my dad, he doesnt "do" sick I dont "do" asking for help it has to be forced upon me.
Im scared of tonight what if the only way I can cope again is to s/h? What does that make me as a person weak because hurting myself is the only way to stop me wanting to end it all? or Strong because im taking steps not to take that final permant step.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I dont want to go to work yet I know ill fall further down if I dont. I guess the ideal soluntion would be to get a new job away from Mcdonalds ive got the G.C.S.E's and A levels to do better i know. I might have a look at college courses at some point, see what I can do???
Monday 12th May
Im on Seaford beach listening to the waves. In theroy I should be feeling positive, yesterday I put my pine ottaman up and sorted the DVD's out so my haven of a rooms coming along nicely. Today dad put the curtain rail up and I have bright yellow curtains up. I went swimming and managed 45mins and washed my hair....Yet I feel empty, panicky and anxious like my whole worlds going to collapse under me again.
Why ffs why? Why am I feeling like this, jesus I scratched my arm yesterday and god it felt good.
I dont think I can go on like this, I feel like im going to implode in some way and NOTHING i do can shake that feeling.
J wants to come home from mums tonight, Im dreading it. Hes my son yet ive become such a monster I dread him coming home because I cant cope.
What if I never get better?
Doctors tommorow must hold on until then
Why ffs why? Why am I feeling like this, jesus I scratched my arm yesterday and god it felt good.
I dont think I can go on like this, I feel like im going to implode in some way and NOTHING i do can shake that feeling.
J wants to come home from mums tonight, Im dreading it. Hes my son yet ive become such a monster I dread him coming home because I cant cope.
What if I never get better?
Doctors tommorow must hold on until then
Friday 9th May
Well im not a loon or a nutter apparantly im just depressed according to the Dr (been signed off another 2 weeks thats what 4 total now) problem is im scared, scared of feeling like this. I cried all the way to the doctors today from dads and at the railway crossing in my car i thought it would be so easy just to put my foot down....
Anyway theve changed my medicatio from Citalpram to Mirtazapine, apparantly they will help me sleep which is good because im so tired all the time. Hopefully now ill get some of the help I so need because ive been "urgently" reffered to the Community Mental Health Team, dr ticked most of the boxes including depression, anxiety and low self-esteem.
Im scared of moving forward...yet terrified of this place im currently in. Im so tired.
I dont know where this journey is going to take me, it feels like one of those rollercosters that unlimatly leads into a big dark black hole, the question I gotta ask is will I come through the other side or crash and burn in the middle?
Ive got help coming out of my ears, ive just got to learn to accept it and ask for it.
Ive just got so many issues that need resolving, I dont know where to begin where do I start?
Why did he leave me and not answer my calls, msn messages or texts, did he ever love me?????
Anyway theve changed my medicatio from Citalpram to Mirtazapine, apparantly they will help me sleep which is good because im so tired all the time. Hopefully now ill get some of the help I so need because ive been "urgently" reffered to the Community Mental Health Team, dr ticked most of the boxes including depression, anxiety and low self-esteem.
Im scared of moving forward...yet terrified of this place im currently in. Im so tired.
I dont know where this journey is going to take me, it feels like one of those rollercosters that unlimatly leads into a big dark black hole, the question I gotta ask is will I come through the other side or crash and burn in the middle?
Ive got help coming out of my ears, ive just got to learn to accept it and ask for it.
Ive just got so many issues that need resolving, I dont know where to begin where do I start?
Why did he leave me and not answer my calls, msn messages or texts, did he ever love me?????
Thursday 8th May
I hate life, I soddening hate it. Hate the fact I cant leave, hate the fact I cant even release the pressure with self-harm as apparantly my brother got teased at school for it.
So there really is now way out. I feel empty tonight even though ive made good solid plans for the future..ie sorting my bedroom out and pronouncing it kid free!
So why am I like this...mothership reckons its because of all the junk food ive eaten today, maybe shes right....
So there really is now way out. I feel empty tonight even though ive made good solid plans for the future..ie sorting my bedroom out and pronouncing it kid free!
So why am I like this...mothership reckons its because of all the junk food ive eaten today, maybe shes right....
Wednesday 7th May
12:45pm so techinally Thursday
Just cashed up all my odd change, £43 means I should be able to take my brother swimming, should be fun.
Had a good day out with the mothership, started off with breaky @ Sainsbury's ended up at Tesco's Eastbourne. Only one bad bit, she had a dig @ dad...I just thought im back in contact with him women-ACCEPT IT!
*sighs* dont you just wish you could click your fingers and make it all beter sometimes.
Thing is im just so tired of being me, Crazy as that sounds. I dont want to be like I am. I wonder if I tell Dr F all that I thinks wrong with me she can get me some help? Thing is how do you tell someone your borderline crazy?
Do I have that much courage and resolve?
Do I really want to deal with this once and for all or carry on pretending things are ok when 90% of the time they arent.
Or do I take the easy option and give up? Appealing idea as that is my babies need me to get better once and for all. Its not as if im alone, I have mum, dad, and step mum (but then dad and Jq [step mum] are busy with the fostering and all responsbility that entails even if i do think the foster kid gets precedent over me with dad a lot!)
So much more to write but my wrist hurts note internet blog is taken from written diary as when i feel like writing I often dont have net acsess
Just cashed up all my odd change, £43 means I should be able to take my brother swimming, should be fun.
Had a good day out with the mothership, started off with breaky @ Sainsbury's ended up at Tesco's Eastbourne. Only one bad bit, she had a dig @ dad...I just thought im back in contact with him women-ACCEPT IT!
*sighs* dont you just wish you could click your fingers and make it all beter sometimes.
Thing is im just so tired of being me, Crazy as that sounds. I dont want to be like I am. I wonder if I tell Dr F all that I thinks wrong with me she can get me some help? Thing is how do you tell someone your borderline crazy?
Do I have that much courage and resolve?
Do I really want to deal with this once and for all or carry on pretending things are ok when 90% of the time they arent.
Or do I take the easy option and give up? Appealing idea as that is my babies need me to get better once and for all. Its not as if im alone, I have mum, dad, and step mum (but then dad and Jq [step mum] are busy with the fostering and all responsbility that entails even if i do think the foster kid gets precedent over me with dad a lot!)
So much more to write but my wrist hurts note internet blog is taken from written diary as when i feel like writing I often dont have net acsess
Tuesday 6th May
11:35pm
Early one tonight, think the late nights are starting to effect me adversly.
Man this is all wrong me, J, C we shouldnt be living like this, they deserve better, yet I do try so hard. Does that count for anything????
Im hoping Dr F has reffered me for counselling I think I need it. I have so many issues that need sorting.
Early one tonight, think the late nights are starting to effect me adversly.
Man this is all wrong me, J, C we shouldnt be living like this, they deserve better, yet I do try so hard. Does that count for anything????
Im hoping Dr F has reffered me for counselling I think I need it. I have so many issues that need sorting.
Monday 6th May
12:40am
Well techinally its Tuesday but ive never been one for technicalities have i?
Im tired to the core, yes I can feel the Citalpram (anti-d!) kicking in, yes this online Cognitive Behaviour Therapys starting to change my view of things yet I still dread waking up in the morning to life and im still dreading work (even though im signed off for two weeks!)
Its now been six days since I made that dreadful sacrifice, 1 life for the sake of 5 (well possibly 9) sudden insight its not good sitting next to the open window of a second floor flat. Oh well its comfy(ish!) and gives me a reality check that there are people and an existance out there outside my own bubble. I gave up my baby (yes I know I was sick etc and I know I whinged like hell about everything!) so that lives that are important to me my sons (j) and my daughters (C) and even my mum and little brother and even the ex and his three kids could have a fighting chance at "normality" in this bloody hard thing called life.
Ive got netmums.com and I am making a difference in there helping people which in turn helps me...
Its now 12:50 on Tuesday morning and I need sleep, disturbed as it is! well after the tumble dryers loaded nursery and school runs tommorow.
Stay Strong
Well techinally its Tuesday but ive never been one for technicalities have i?
Im tired to the core, yes I can feel the Citalpram (anti-d!) kicking in, yes this online Cognitive Behaviour Therapys starting to change my view of things yet I still dread waking up in the morning to life and im still dreading work (even though im signed off for two weeks!)
Its now been six days since I made that dreadful sacrifice, 1 life for the sake of 5 (well possibly 9) sudden insight its not good sitting next to the open window of a second floor flat. Oh well its comfy(ish!) and gives me a reality check that there are people and an existance out there outside my own bubble. I gave up my baby (yes I know I was sick etc and I know I whinged like hell about everything!) so that lives that are important to me my sons (j) and my daughters (C) and even my mum and little brother and even the ex and his three kids could have a fighting chance at "normality" in this bloody hard thing called life.
Ive got netmums.com and I am making a difference in there helping people which in turn helps me...
Its now 12:50 on Tuesday morning and I need sleep, disturbed as it is! well after the tumble dryers loaded nursery and school runs tommorow.
Stay Strong
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