Awful, ive just realised I really dont have anything to live for anymore...I didnt wake up until half past two this afternoon, Lou was all alone in the flat...anything could have happened and this isnt the 1st time either..SO I cant take my meds tonight because of that happeneing, yet if I dont take them im never going to feel better....Even when I did get up all I could manage was a trip in the car to the shop to get some petrol and some junk food for tonight....So what kind of a day has she has watching a dvd all morning and afternoon mcds for dinner and then bed..I couldnt even get the energy to play with her....so on top of everything else the probable up and coming court case for contact with Lous dad, the whole benefit fraud (ok it wasnt intentional, but it still boils down to the same thing im gonna be in a heck of a lot of trouble), the fact my son doesnt want to come home and now im a failure as a mother to my daughter...oh and the flashbacks have come back twice as bad as have the nightmares

Theres no hope for the future, despite the fact I know I can get better and beat this....the plain simple fact is I dont think I want to anymore..Lou would blatently be better off with someone who can actually wake up in the mornings and not leave her alone (ANYTHING could have happened!) and Josh is so much better at mums everyone (school teachers, neighbours and my family) have been saying how well hes looking...

No matter what I do it never gets better in fact worse....So im wondering what is the point???? And before anyone says the kids...maybe so but the fact is they would be better off with others, and their physical and emotional needs come before all other stuff and I just cant manage either of those at the moment and if im honest probably never have done....So now its just a question of waiting, I cant do anything all the while Lous in the flat which then just makes me feel trapped no matter which way I turn I hit a brick wall...i was hoping for a lifeline from the CMHT to stop this drowning..but it didnt happen, they just perscribed me drugs which made me even worse because now ive failed Lou...which then made me feel worse...

All I want is for all this pressure to ease off so I can focus on getting better, why wont the world let me do that just get better so I can cope with all the crap it throws at me?