I need to write this all out now, Had a one on one with lucy.S my young parent worker and told her all about light Kimmie, ie the one that sees all the positive stuff and thinks well of it and then dark Kimmie the one that says just walk aw ay leave it, just leave this world. I told her all about how I cant cope with the fact that nothing I try is helping any, the excercise, the tablets, the psitive stuff, like sorting my room and the living room up and the CBT...it doesnt FEEL any better....Light Kimmie wants to carry on give it more time dark Kimme says nothings working give it up..like two people talking in my head.
According to Lucy..Ive always looked after people as a child, which is kind of true Matthew when he was a baby and helping mum with the housework so I had to learn to self-comfort...which is who light Kimmie is. I guess that makes sense...
I also need to grieve all thats happened..John and the baby being one of those.I cant do that even thinking about that hurts. Shes going to ring Stephen Rimmer and also get the outreach team back on my side again...I need to let myself sink for a while, let others help me get better...
God doing that whole one on one thing damm near killed me, ive got a headache and just want to sleep i think the sleep things avoiding dealing with stuff....Dark Kimmie again wanting to run and hide...maybe I should let her take over a while just for a few hrs let the oblivioun of sleep take ove??? I feel like im cracked up into two these two voices in my head...dark and light...I also hear that white noise in my head at night before I sleep but when I turn my fan off it goes, Lucys given me the idea of putting my fingers in my ears to see if it stops...
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh this is a bloody nightmare, Do I really want to get better, or just carry on till I self destruct???
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