The start of a long week...

Its 00:27 on the 9th June, I should be asleep in bed...yet im not....Im up worrying about the forthcoming week (Ive got solicters, tuesday group, CMHT, M Cubs, Doctor, HV, Outreach worker, young mums some appointment or task every day!) esp the solicters appointment and CMHT even though they are the two biggies...

I cant do this anymore, im tired of fighting battles within myself and losing everytime never winning just a little bit of feeling ok. Im tired of not being able to help myself. Im tired of failing 90% of the time. Im tired of telling the same story over and over.

my two friends are struggling, ones been in a car accident and thats sent her dropping back down, the others gone back in the unit...this is a one way friendship, im not getting sweet fa back..i could have used an offload tonight..someone telling me that yes im doing fine and yes im good (FFS ive done it to them often enough)..ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHh

J's come home tonight..thats a good thing, I even mamaged to play connect 4 with him and I actually laughed...man that felt good actually proplely laughing!!!! I managed dinner up mums, ok i was a miserable cow but I managed it...I wish I could stop thinking about her snipy comments (oh hes only loud when your around!) GRRRRRR I swear shes supportive to get me back on my feet deoendant on her so she canjust take the suport away and then shed get the kids...

Dad never rung either..so my texts go unanswered and then he doesnt ring..I know im not that important compared to the Foster kid but jesus a phone call or a text...maybe its just me..maybe im pushing everybody away again or just dont deserve friends and family that actually care about me and dont just want what ive got and can give....

Ive so had enough of this world, Ive had enough of fighting this depression and never ever getting anywhere, im tired of having this contstant never ending goddam pressure..one thing after another after another..Im tired of not being in control...and im just tired full stop

I feel like ive got no future, no hope, no point in living...Im obv a crap mum because well Josh is only loud when im around...Chelseas had mcds fri night and sat night (but I suppose at least she was fed!) i shouted at her so much when I was trying to put that unit up...

None of this is their fault yet they are the ones getting the fallout, its not fair its not right and more importantly its going to put them on the same road as im on...I cant let that happen, yet I cant seem to stop this control it or even lessen it no matter how hard I try...

I cant give up because of them, but I cant carry on this way...so what can I do..hope the CMHT have a miracle up their sleve???

Pray??

Im running out of options here people

xxx