Wednesday 14th May

O.K so I self harmed(s/h) monday night, and again last night Tuesday.

I came so close to ending it all last night. Dad really made me feel bad, I was very quiet round there all day and tbh I hardly saw him much preferble to talk to foster kid in the garden whilst hes on trampoline or help him in the kitchen with his reading. I think I got about 5 mins, guess ill stay away for a while theve got enough on their plate without me adding to it. I guess dad just doesnt know what to say or do when im s/h..how can you help someone when she doesnt know whats wrong with herself?

Of course this is all easy to deal with in the light of day, but last night I just felt ignored, rejected and in many ways hurt. Problem is im too much like my dad, he doesnt "do" sick I dont "do" asking for help it has to be forced upon me.

Im scared of tonight what if the only way I can cope again is to s/h? What does that make me as a person weak because hurting myself is the only way to stop me wanting to end it all? or Strong because im taking steps not to take that final permant step.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I dont want to go to work yet I know ill fall further down if I dont. I guess the ideal soluntion would be to get a new job away from Mcdonalds ive got the G.C.S.E's and A levels to do better i know. I might have a look at college courses at some point, see what I can do???